Updated: Mar 24, 2020
Photo by Mariana Silvestre on Pexels.com
A headline which might anger a few people, but trust me that is not my intention. Please, hear me out.
I struggle with this question, am I lazy or just depressed? Personally, I really struggle with simple self-care. I am ashamed to say, but will say it anyway, I can go days without a shower or brushing my teeth. I’m not going anywhere or expecting anyone so what’s the point. I think a part of me doesn’t feel like I’m worth keeping myself clean and healthy. I have, on one occasion, suffered the humiliation of having to spend 2 hours in a salon having the matted condition of my hair fixed. That was a day darker than some of the days spent getting to that state. Why? Because I was forced to face what I had done to myself.
These things, are depression. Raw and honest accounts of how I can fall into a routine of not having a routine. It’s a paradox really.
I am by no means a cured human. To be honest, I’ve gotten so used to the voices that I don’t know what I would do without them. I’ve learnt that the goal isn’t to get rid of them or see them as awful things. The goal is to understand that a majority of the time these voices are a manifestation of my own thoughts. It’s easier to have a terrible thought if it’s not yours. And that’s what I need to analyse to help better myself. But some days/weeks/months are hard, and I do get depressed even with my medication.
My anxiety now is letting it get that bad again. Which brings us to my controversial title, am I lazy or just depressed? I’m so concerned about allowing myself to stay depressed for too long, to end up in those states again, that I’m ashamed of being lazy. Now there is a paradox! I feel lazy, I’m not allowed to feel lazy or I’ll get depressed, I get depressed because I’m consumed, I don’t want to do anything, I must be lazy; and the circle restarts.
It’s hard for me to get out of that judgemental loop. In my world, which I have dedicated to end judgements, I can not stop judging myself.
I didn’t want to end this post on a negative emotion, just I’ve decided to show you a text conversation with my sister. Although, I would be upset if someone said these things to me; it’s definitively funny when I say them about myself.