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So here I am back using services again. Every time it gets harder and harder not to think I’m a failure. It’s interesting that I can never take my own advice. I think that’s something most people struggle with, I hope. It’s almost as if your brain can calmly rationalise and form feelings and solutions when it’s not about yourself. Maybe it’s not interesting, but it is annoying.
I’m trying to remember this time that any growth is growth and just because I’ve been in and out of mental health services for over a decade doesn’t mean I’m not good at my job or that I’ll never get better. I guess it’s just difficult to not feel like I should be “fixed” by now.
So for now I’ll be seeing my new therapist every two weeks. I like her, she seems nice and has a good style. I’m in a new building though, my partner came with me to the first session to feel it out. My anxiety just gets the better of me sometimes when I’m doing something new, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to do something new. Weirdly I feel proud of myself this time. I’ve recognised I’m slipping and need a little more help. My career is taking off, I’m in an amazing relationship and things are stable but I’ve been depressed. It’s no ones fault it’s just the way it is.
I think I’ve really just used this post as a little bit of self therapy. Which funnily enough is how my blogging journey started, kind of like speaking into the void. If no one reads that’s fine, if someone reads and relates then great I’m letting people know they’re not alone and maybe even making a difference.