This is something I’ve said a few times in recent years. When you’ve come out of a dark place, a relapse or things start to look up. No one ever talks about how hard that can be.
I’m hoping I can do this topic justice because I worry that I’m not going to explain myself well here. But here goes nothing.
When you’ve been so down for a period of time and things look up or you’re feeling better, that’s a hard feeling. Like I don’t trust happiness. It feels so foreign that I get suspicious. “This never happens... what’s going to go wrong?” I’m not to proud to say that with hindsight, I’ve probably self sabotaged my own happiness because of this. It’s a weird paradox of I know why I’m doing it... but why am I doing it?
Sometimes I make it worse. I think I have a house, food in the kitchen, two dogs and an amazing partner; how dare I get depressed. I have no right. This is such a toxic thought. In a way I hope I’m not the only one who thinks this but in another way I don’t want anyone to think this. I spend my days advocating for mental illness to rid this mindset. Am I just a walking case of the pot calling the kettle black? It certainly feels this way sometimes.
It’s been 2 years since my last relapse and I don’t know if I’ll ever be “normal”. I’m haunted by the unproven fact that psychosis usually burns itself out into schizophrenia. What will it take? I’ve tried drinking, smoking, shopping, anything to achieve happiness. But my happiness bar is never completely filled. Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong, I’m chasing something. But it’s hard not to feel defeated when I can look at all the positives and still feel negative.
Don’t get me wrong, I am capable of feeling happy. I know I am. I just wish I could sustain that feeling. But as I mentioned before, even if I could sustain that feeling, my anxiety wouldn’t trust it. What a mess.
I don’t really know how to sign off this post. I kind of lost myself in my rambling. All I know is if anyone can relate to this. You’re not alone. Be kind to yourself. I know it’s hard, we usually find it easier to be kind to other people, but please try. And if it doesn’t ever get completely better, it will get somewhat better. Maybe that’s what life is, surviving for those good moments and making sure their great enough to shadow the bad ones.