Updated: Mar 24, 2020
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Today’s post has been brought to you by my psychotic episodes album. I’m going to tell you about a week, about two years ago, when I believed I controlled the weather. Imagine thinking that every natural disaster, every flood and every storm was your fault. It’s tiring.
I’m not sure how I came into this episode, I don’t think I’m ever really sure how I come into these episodes. It feels like my brain has a surge of electricity and reboots in a new dimension, all in a split second. I can only really analyse them once I’m out of them, and even then my memory is always foggy.
I locked myself in my flat on a rainy, dark day and wouldn’t let people in or out. It rained because I was upset, I got upset because I was causing it to rain, it rained more because I was upset, and the cycle continued. The sun would come out when I was finally happy, and the sun didn’t come out, so I couldn’t be happy. If I got frustrated or angry it would get windy and the more intense the emotion the stronger the wind blew. When anyone questioned this reality I became angry, upset and frustrated. I often do when I think someone is insinuating I’m crazy. Which I ironic because once I’ve came out of an episode, I look back and think, “wow I was crazy”.
It took many days of small gentle questioning of what I was believing, a change in medication and crisis therapy for me to finally come out of this episode. Once I’m out, I’m left with a drowning feeling of embarrassment, shame and depression. Why would someone want to be with someone who forces you outside the house to talk because she believes the walls can hear you? You wouldn’t. I have caused my family and partner such stress and worry over the years. It’s hard not to think, why would anyone want me around?
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So why am I telling you all this? Because I want everyone to know the truths about psychosis. I am not dangerous, I am not crazy and I am not criminal. I am intelligent, I am funny and I am loving. Sometimes I just need to remind myself, but when I do remember, you bet your sweet ass that I’m going to fight for mental health awareness.